Well, it's been over a year since I've updated, but now I'm back to do some ranting. So, what would prompt me to update a dead blog I only wrote to satisfy my boredom? A cure for cancer? Proposed world peace? I got a job? NOPE! It's Kick-Ass, a horrible, horrible movie! Yay!
NO! NOT YAY! I'm so late with this review that everyone's already suffered through it, some I'm not sparing anyone the pain here. Still, I feel I must say something. To begin, let me define "suspension of disbelief." This is a literary term that describes the ability of a reader to suppress the desire to call bull when reading a story because the storytelling is so good or the themes are very relevant to real life. I think I lost my suspension of disbelief right before the third act. "Oh, but it's a superhero movie! It's supposed to be a fantasy!" is what I'm sure you're saying. Well, that's all fine and good, but I can believe movies like Spiderman and Iron Man because they are well done. Peter Parker is an everyman that the viewer or comic book reader is supposed to be able to relate to and he lives in a New York City that is obviously WAY different from the real one. Tony Stark is a genius with more money than God and, once again, lives in a world that is WAY different from the real one. Kick-Ass, on the other hand, is set in PRESENT DAY NYC (as the various NY news teams that lost their credibility I MEAN MADE CAMEOS in the film let me know) and I have a really hard time believing that a little high school moron can ride a jet pack without burning his ass off and BURSTING INTO FLAMES. There's a reason we don't have a jet pack store, people.
But, maybe I'll let the stupid tech fly. Somehow Kick-Ass got a jet pack, big whoop ("wanna fight about it?"). BUT, and I'm about to spoil some things but I don't care, Mr. Ass somehow gets the girl in the end by breaking into her house and revealing he's Kick-Ass. Now, I get that he's supposed to be the everyman here, but not only did he lie to her that he was gay (and then she let him rub lotion on her bare back because, you know, he's gay so it's cool! Whore) but then he breaks into her house. Does she kick that ass out? NO! She just does the off-camera nasty! How pleasant movie! And then, BOOM! They're a couple! I understand this is supposed to be an underdog movie, but if I was the girl, I would stab him in the crotch. I guess that's why I'm not a whore.
Of course, I came into this movie thinking it would be a parody of superhero films, since the trailer makes all the "heroes" look like losers. But then, we get the troubling backstory of Hit Girl and Big Daddy, Red Mist betrays Kick Ass, and the movie just takes itself WAY too seriously. I would explain who all those characters are that I just mentioned, but I don't want to take this review NEARLY as seriously. Really though, the movie starts trying to be like The Dark Knight with all the character revelations and night scenes. I realized that the movie intended to be a tribute to all the superhero movies before it, throwing in references to Spiderman and Batman, but it just fails miserably. A movie about a high schooler deciding one day to just be a superhero should ONLY be a parody. There shouldn't be dark themes and soul searching and revenge epics. No. No. No.
In the first ten minutes of the film, Kick-Ass goes on his first mission and gets stabbed in the stomach, then hit by a car. He really should've been dead, but he lived and I believed it. Throughout the movie, this kid got so beat up, he shouldn't have been able to WALK. He should've been at least a bit crippled from the first accident. Not even a limp? Screw you, movie. And really, after his first mishaps, I thought this was going to be FUNNY. Not Kid Batman.
If this movie had just been about Hit Girl and Big Daddy, it would've ruled. Seriously. Hit Girl was actually a sympathetic character (Chloe Grace Mortez has quite a career ahead of her) and Big Daddy was just so campy, he was awesome. It was this camp that should've filled the movie, like a channeling of Silver Age comics. Plus, Nicholas Cage put on this great William Shatner voice when he was in costume: an obvious spoof of the gritty voice Bruce Wayne puts on as Batman. Cage's costume even looks like Batman, and this was referenced in the film. Big Daddy was that camp character that was kind of lost in this Sin City for Teens. Hit Girl borders on camp, as well, so it makes me wonder if their original intention was to create camp. Why they didn't do it is beyond me.
I must admit, I've never read the original comic and I'm actually very happy that this movie made sense without that prior knowledge (I'm looking at you, Watchmen). But, I just couldn't get over how stupid this movie got. If I wanted to watch The Dark Knight with Teenagers, I'd put on The Dark Knight in one room and Twilight in the other. It just doesn't work. Trust me, I love superhero movies and I never expect The Dark Knight when I see one (I was quite pleased with Iron Man 2, which was ENTERTAINING). I just like to watch a movie and say, "You know what? I believe it." Or at least have bloody FUN! Don't we all?
