I've really been into Russian literature and art lately. For example, I was on the Wikipedia page for the Islamic Angel of Death Azrael and one of the provided pictures was a painting depicting him by the Russian Symbolist painter Mikhail Vrubel: I love his paintings because they look like someone broke stain glass and then tried to reassemble it. Here's another angel painting: He was also very much into painting demons, especially after having a mental breakdown (he's Russian, so I suppose he was obligated to have one of those). I also went out and bought a couple of Fyodor Dostoevsky novels: "Crime and Punishment" (the standard) and "Notes from Underground:" That's actually the translation I bought. They say it's the first example of an existential novel and boy were they not kidding. I've started reading it and I'm only past the first section but what a mind-f**k! So far, my favorite quote is thus: "Maybe man does not love well-being only? Maybe he loves suffering just as much? Maybe suffering is just as profitable for him as well-being? For man sometimes loves suffering terribly much, to the point of passion, and that is a fact. Here there's not even any need to consult world history; just ask yourself, if you're a human being and have had any life at all. As for my personal opinion, to love just well-being alone is even somehow indecent. Whether it's good or bad, it's sometimes also very pleasant to break something." It's crazy, man. Lastly, I had a wonderful time reading Leo Tolstoy's novella "The Death of Ivan Ilyich" a year ago and even got an A on a paper I wrote comparing the title character to Doctor Faust. It's basically a meditation on death and just such a great story. I recommend it to anyone who loves to read: Oh, those crazy Russians! How I love them!
I recently saw a special on MSNBC about Charles Manson that was hosted by the incomparable Keith Morrison. You know: Oh yeah. Well, Bill Hader does a great impression of him on Saturday Night Live. Observe here:
and here:
He's so exaggerating, I love it. It's as if ol' Keith has an orgasm every time someone mentions a murder or some other terrible thing. He's just TOO into his job. Definitely seek out the Charles Manson special (It's called "The Mind of Manson" and is an analysis of Manson's 1987 "Today Show" interview, where he was "unshackled and unapologetic") not only because it's very interesting but also because Keith is just so entertaining. He's got this smile on his face like he's relishing in the whole thing. He's awesome...for more SNL clips, here's a link: http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/ And here's "The Mind of Manson," for all interested (broken into five parts): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMQ9uipjqpk This is all I got...was such a slow day for me, I didn't post this until it became the next day!
Good God that looks so low budget...hello! Here is the wonderful second part of my grueling task of pointing out the mistakes made by "Dragonball: Evolution" and its makers. This is still not a review but an airing of grievances, so don't take it as a Critic's Corner kind of article. I'm just angry:
YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU LIED TO ME! YOU LIED TO ME FOX! YOU TOLD ME THIS WAS DRAGON BALL! YOU LIED TO ME! I'LL KILL YOU! AS GOD IS MY WITNESS I'LL KILL YOU! ...now, onto the characters section (I can't feature pictures of all the characters so you're better off hunting them down yourself): WARNING: SPOILERS GALORE ARE COMING! But, again, don't see this movie. 1) Son Goku - A complaint I've been hearing quite a bit about movie-Goku is that Justin Chatwin is not Japanese, so he doesn't work. I didn't have a problem with that because Goku is not Japanese, he's a Saiyan, so he would of course be different from everyone else. My problem with movie-Goku is that he is not a Saiyan but some vessel of Ōzaru (I think...he looks human but I don't think he is...). Also, everyone knows that Goku started out as an unruly child but took a tumble down a waterfall, slammed his head on a rock, and became the perfect child. This is never mentioned and it's important because it distinguishes him from the evil Saiyans and also establishes the long-running gag of Goku's hard head. Aside from all of this back story negligence, Goku remains a good person, although not nearly as naive as he is in the anime (probably because he's older and goes to high school, which is fine). His character is okay, but they destroyed his back story. 2) Gohan - As stated before, he's still alive for a good amount of the movie and is killed by Piccolo instead of Ōzaru Goku. Honestly, I thought Gohan was just fine. He was kind, sweet, and strong, and he obviously loved Goku. The problem with him is not his character, but his demise. Thankfully, there were a few characters that weren't destroyed. 3) Chi-Chi - Chi chi is a Spanish term for breasts...this seems irrelevant, but movie-Chi-Chi was nothing more than a walking pair of breasts. She was probably the most destroyed out of all the characters. She's a bit older and in high school, like Goku, but this is not the bad part of her character. She's not obsessed with Goku like she is in the anime and her parents are never seen (nope, no big fat Ox King). She's now a hand-to-hand combatant who doesn't seem to be afraid of anything, as opposed to in the anime, where she just had a cool head-blade thing and was kind of a bitch: I know, I know, she DID compete in the Tenkaichi Budokai, but Goku didn't even hit her and he won. She's NOT a fighter. She has pretty much no personality in the movie, so what's left? Breasts. Boobies. Fun bags. Dusty Gozongas: God, she was in high school and her boobs were hanging out the whole movie! Put those away! In "Dragon Ball," her skimpy outfit was cute because she was kind of chubby and it was a joke. There was nothing funny about movie-Chi-Chi. Fail. 4) Bulma - Bulma stayed pretty much the same except Piccolo stole her Dragon Ball and she ends up mistaking Goku's for hers and almost kills him with a gun. She tracked it down with her Dragon Radar (as Goku calls it), then promises to help Goku find Roshi if he'll help her find all the Dragon Balls. She doesn't find out what they do until Goku tells her, but instead was simply experimenting on the one she had (she called it a something-crystal or orb, I can't remember). She decides she'll wish for money instead of a boyfriend. These are all not big changes and movie-Bulma was just as arrogant but good-natured as Bulma. All the panty jokes have been removed (it IS a PG movie) and she's been toughened-up a bit (like Chi-Chi, but not irritatingly so). She's also a bit older (twenties, so she can be older than the teenage Goku), which is fine, and she still uses capsules (thank God, they kept the capsules). She's a brunette in this movie, but the makers put a light blue streak in her hair I guess as a reference to the anime. Like Gohan, she's not bad. And yes, her last name is still Briefs. Yay. 5) Master Roshi - While everyone else grew older, Roshi seems to have grown younger (or, at least, less gray). He's missing his turtle, his nimbus cloud, and his tropical island, and instead lives alone in a city on some big patch of land surrounded by a crater...I think...it was dark in the theater and Roshi's house (not Kame House, unfortunately) was a dark scene. Forgive me. He still has his girly mags, though (they're swimsuit magazines, you know, because it's PG), so there's that. He also still has Hawaiian shirts and he's still a crazy old man. Basically, he's Chow Yun-Fat overacting. He's actually relatively entertaining and he accompanies Goku and Bulma in the Emperor Pilaf Saga-inspired scenes (finding a Dragon Ball, getting caught in a trap set by Yamcha), so that's charming. I'm not sure if he trained Gohan or trained with him according to the movie, but that really doesn't matter. He's also killed trying to use some spell to seal Piccolo that his master Sifu Norris (some old black guy...I don't know) taught him and wished back to life with the Dragon Balls. That's fine, too. He's charming, that's really all I can say. 6) Yamcha - Yamcha's a blonde now! And he's Korean! He's still a desert bandit but he no longer wields a sword and there's no Puar by his side (tear). He's pretty arrogant and kind of annoying in this movie, which works because he was arrogant and annoying in the anime. The biggest change is that he isn't the one who stops Ōzaru Goku, but Goku regains control himself. Because there's no Puar, he doesn't have a sword to use to chop Goku's tail off. I could go on, but you get it. He captures Goku, Bulma, and Roshi when they fall through a trap he set into a pit. Roshi jumps out of it with ease and tells him to help them because there's a Dragon Ball under the pit. So, he uses some mega-drill to help them and accompanies them from there. Not bad, really. He hooks up with Bulma, too, just like in the anime, and Bulma agrees to give him a third of the money she receives. Joon Park is kind of a sub-par actor, but that actually works because, come on, it's "Dragon Ball"-era Yamcha. 'Nuff said. 7) Piccolo - Alright, onto the baddie. He's still a Namek although now the Namekians are evil or something. "Daimao" has been taken out of his name and he's no "Lord Piccolo." No mention of Kami so I'm assuming Piccolo is all evil, all the time. He's been sealed by a bunch of monks and somehow released (not sealed by Mutaito and not released by Pilaf). He's not an old man but seems pretty young enough and he's gathering the Dragon Balls to destroy the Earth. He's really not that bad, but his character should have been explained further. Also, WHERE ARE HIS OFFSPRING? You know, his ORCHESTRA of children (get it?). In the movie, he's just got some mystery girl whose name is never mentioned ("Mai;" more on her later). Plus, James Marsters? Really? In the end, he's assumed to be killed by Goku's Kamehameha, but is actually only wounded and nursed back to health by some girl "Mai" almost killed. NO PICCOLO JR. EGG. Whatever. All I know is this: that last scene set up for a sequel. God help us all. 8) Ōzaru - I'm sure you've noticed by now that movie-Ōzaru is nothing like Saiyan-Ōzaru. I really have nothing else to say about him that hasn't already been said above and in part one. It's really a shame that Goku isn't a Saiyan in this movie because THAT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF HIS ENTIRE CHARACTER IN "Z" AND "GT." 9) "Mai" (Piccolo's mystery girl) - I'm assuming this is an original character, but I had a thought I didn't have when writing part one: Mai, the more intelligent of Emperor Pilaf's hench-people (the other being Shu, a ninja dog), could have been the inspiration behind movie-Mai: Alright, alright, not bad. The only problem with this is that the movie never explains who this woman is (I had to find what her name was on the internet, which is why I put her name in quotes). If she's a human, why is she working with Piccolo? What's her relationship to Piccolo? WHAT'S HER NAME? The grave mistake of not including Emperor Pilaf defeats the purpose of having Mai in the movie. It was as if the movie makers said, "You know, we have a few elements of the Emperor Pilaf Saga in our movie, so we better include one of those villains. How about we use Mai, but align her with Piccolo and defeat the purpose of her character?" Sounds great, guys. These are the important characters missing from the movie: 1) Krillin - I could go on and on and on and on about how much of an offense it was to not include Krillin, Goku's bestest friend in the whole wide world, but I'll refrain. You just come up with your own anger. I think I know why he was taken out: too much money to pay for the CGI nose removal. 2) Puar - Puar was never an important character, but he became the sword that Yamcha used to chop off Goku's tail and return him from his Ōzaru form. This was an important scene because it was apart of the revelation that Goku was the monster that killed Gohan and it also reveals how to defeat him. If Goku was still a Saiyan...well, you know. 3) Oolong - Another lesser character, but he provided much of the comic relief in early episodes and also saved the world by interrupting Pilaf's wish. I suppose, because there's no Pilaf, there's no Oolong. 4) Emperor Pilaf - What, Mai's here but Pilaf isn't? It was Pilaf who released Piccolo! Piccolo didn't just get out! Pilaf also remains a small thorn in Goku's side all the way up to "GT," when he wishes Goku were a kid again. I've always loved Pilaf and it would have been so charming to see him in the film. And, you know, correct, too. 5) Shu - Pilaf's other hench-person, he's a dog ninja. I think Mai was used and not Shu because she's human and it's cheaper to simply film a human than CGI a dog. Plus, Pilaf was absent, so I guess one hench-person had to be, too. 6) Piano, Tambourine, Cymbal, and Drum - Piccolo's beloved offspring were completely absent from the film. The only servant he had was Mai, which never made sense. I suppose it simply cost too much to CGI both Piccolo and four monster look-alikes. Plus, judging by the absence of Piccolo Jr. (we're almost there, guys), movie-Piccolo can't produce offspring. Shame, makers, shame! You just defeated the purpose of the rest of the series! 7) Turtle - Master Roshi's turtle is nowhere to be seen and that really sucks because he was the voice of reason on the island. I guess no tropical island equals no turtle. 8) Ox King - Chi-Chi's parents are never seen or mentioned. Ox King was trained by Roshi, but in the movie, he doesn't mention him and Roshi doesn't recognize Chi-Chi. Basically, he doesn't even exist. If Ox King DID exist, this would explain Chi-Chi's ki and her fighting skills, but that would make too much sense. The makers wanted its audience, "Dragon Ball" fans or not, to be completely confused. 9) Kami - As stated, I'm assuming Piccolo was always evil because Kami is never mentioned. This is another grave mistake that defeats the purpose of the series. Kami trains Goku to defeat Piccolo Jr., but since Piccolo Jr. wasn't born at the end, I'm assuming Kami still won't exist in the sequel. Shame. 10) Piccolo Jr. - Finally, onto the elephant in the room. There's no egg, there's no hatching, there's no Piccolo Jr. Who's going to fight Goku? Who's going to train his son Gohan? Who's going to kick ass in every single way? It's bull! It's just bull! This sequel better fix every problem the first one had or I swear to God...PICCOLO!!!!!! Well, I guess that's it. This was a rather long post and I don't want to talk about it anymore. Since I saw this movie, I guess I have to see the sequel...and hopefully, after that, there won't be another post like this (I'm not confident). A little more despairing news: Warner Bros. has acquired the rights for a live action "Akira" and Leonardo DiCaprio is set to produce. You read that right. I've said it before and I'll say it again: God help us all.
I've always loved that song...I just finished watching "Amadeus" in my music class and I really didn't know that it was more a serious dramedy (there's such a thing!) and not a farce like I thought it was. It's really a beautiful movie and it deserved all eight Oscars (!!!) it received. Observe this scene:
One of my faves. The scenes where Salieri burns his crucifix, the Emperor yawns during one of Mozart's operas, and the ending are great, too. I was rooting for Salieri, personally, but I always root for the villain...but, wait, who was the villain in this movie? Was it Mozart or Salieri? Mozart was an arrogant snob and Salieri plotted to kill him, so they're both not very decent men (although one can argue that Mozart's arrogance and condescension led the amiable Salieri to such a desperate act), but whose tale of strife was more worthy of compassion? A little tidbit for you all: in the spell check on this site, Mozart is considered correct while Salieri is considered a misspelling. It seems history has forgotten Salieri in a way that makes simple word processing have no clue who he is, which is huge considering his status during his time. Handel, Beethoven, Haydn, Bach, those are all in the spell check's dictionary. Not Salieri. Tragic, because I like his music just as much as any of those other guys' stuff. What an odd society we live in! It judges if one has "made it" based on Wikipedia and spell check. Thankfully, Herr Salieri at least has the former. Anyway, the cast was great, too. Tom Hulce (Mozart) and F. Murray Abraham (Salieri) were both nominated for Best Actor Oscars. It's very rare that a movie has two actors nominated for the same award. Abraham won, which is cool because Salieri was my favorite character (can't you tell?). I think it's awesome how he was always dressed in black and brown, while Mozart always wore lots of colors. Nice contrast. I loved Jeffrey Jones as Emperor Joseph II, too, and he was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Golden Globe, but he didn't win (tear). "I will speak for you, Father. I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint...Mediocrities everywhere...I absolve you...I absolve you...I absolve you...I absolve you...I absolve you all..."
It would be impossible to attempt to write a decent, unbiased review of this film because I grew up with the show it is based on and I am very attached to it. It would, on the other hand, also be near impossible to write a coherent, biased review of this film because my rage would distort it beyond understanding. Therefore, I shall simply point out all of the mistakes and offer my suggestion for how to make the sequel (yes, the ending set up for a sequel) better. I understand the movie makers wanted to suggest a new spin on the series (hence the word "evolution" in the title), but it was went about in such a way that can only be described as "wrong." Tackling the daunting task of suggesting ways they could have both changed the series a bit and made the movie good is far too overwhelming for me right now, so I will simply point out mistakes. WARNING: SPOILERS GALORE ARE COMING! But, seriously, don't see this movie. First up, the plot: I'm assuming that this film based itself on "Dragon Ball" (not "Dragonball," guys), which is the first series, and not "Dragon Ball Z," which is the second and, frankly, the more well known to Western audiences. That being said, it turned out to be a bastardized combination of the time before the series began (Gohan, Goku's grandfather, is still alive for almost the first third of the film) and the final saga of the series, which involved Piccolo Daimao (the first/old one, not the one in "Z"). Honestly, I think it's great they based it on "Dragon Ball" because that one was a little more realistic. However, they seemed to try to make it too realistic by placing Goku and Chi-Chi in high school. Oh, and they look like this: They're to the right. To the left is Bulma and some mystery girl in red that is never identified (more on them in the characters section). Here are the problems in the plot: 1) Gohan is alive but is killed by Piccolo - Fans of the series know that it was Goku in his Ōzaru form that destroyed his house and killed Gohan. I kind of like how Gohan is still alive, but his death by Goku's hands is very important for a number of reasons, particularly the realization that Goku was the giant monster that killed Gohan and he is, in fact, a Saiyan. This leads to... 2) Goku is Ōzaru, but Ōzaru isn't a Saiyan - Let me explain: Ōzaru is portrayed as a servant of Piccolo and not what a Saiyan transforms into when spying a full moon. Goku is Ōzaru and was sent to Earth to destroy it when the blood moon eclipses the sun. That's when Ōzaru will be awakened. I could go on further, but this is better explained in the characters section. 3) The elements taken from "Journey to the West" have been taken out - Toriyama Akira, creator of the series, based it on the famous Chinese legend. While this is really dominant only in the first saga (with Emperor Pilaf), the elements featured are important later on. These elements include the extending pole (Gohan has a pole in the film but it doesn't extend and simply disappears after he's killed), Goku's tail and transformation (Goku hasn't a tail but does transform), the Nimbus Cloud (this is completely removed), and shape-shifting (Oolong and Puar aren't even in the movie), to name a few. This is very tragic because while the anime was a humorous take on an old legend, the movie was a bastardization that didn't retain any of the charm. 4) The absence of Kami and Piccolo Jr. - Piccolo is the evil half of Kami that was expelled from his body and contained in a rice cooker. He was released by Pilaf and used the Dragon Balls to restore his youth, but was killed by Goku. Before dying, Piccolo spits an egg across the world and it hatches into Piccolo Jr. (the one in "Z"). Jr. fights Goku in the Tenkaichi Budokai tournament but loses and retreats. Now, most fans already know that, but I wrote it all to state that none of it is true in the movie. The only part that comes close is his containment, but that was done by a group of monks and not Roshi's master Mutaito (side-note: Roshi's master in the movie is a black guy named Sifu Norris...huh?). 5) A Tenkaichi Budokai-esque tournament is shown, but is not elaborated on - Piccolo's mystery girl ("Mai" according to Wikipedia, more on her in the characters section) enters a tournament that Chi-Chi was entered in (oh yeah, she's a fighter now) to obtain her blood and make a disguise so she can steal the Dragon Balls. Apparently, when Roshi takes Goku to a "secluded place" to train him, it's now a training ground with a tournament...? That was never clear. Only one scene of the tournament is shown, making it important only for "Mai" to obtain the blood. It's hardly explained why it exists and getting the blood could have been achieved without the tournament altogether. Plus, where's the blonde announcer? This problem was just dumb. 6) In the end, Piccolo is not sealed or killed but nursed back to health by some poor village woman that "Mai" almost killed while looking for a Dragon Ball - Yep, that about explains it. That's the sequel set-up. No Piccolo Jr., but some villager who's never identified helping someone who ordered her village to be destroyed. Fair enough. Those are all the major gripes. The whole older characters and high school setting aren't very bad, but the stories of Goku and Piccolo should have been more by-the-book. Part two will be up soon, but for now, here's some memories:
I have no intention of discussing the swine flu since there is really nothing left for me to say about it. I just wanted to write that clever little title...been gone a while with a broken computer but now I'm back and I've brought my boredom with me. Not much new...saw "Dragonball Evolution" and let it take a big dump on my childhood (I suppose I had it coming for spending money to see that debacle). I'll post something about it soon, maybe not a review but a list of unforgivable mistakes the movie makers made (mistake number one: it's called "Dragon Ball" not "Dragonball"...get it right, guys). For now, I'll just post something I've wanted to post for a while: a video featuring a song from the game "Dragon Warrior Monsters 2" (known in Japan as "Dragon Quest") that plays when Prince Kameha and his cohort Warabou are encountered. This is kind of significant for me because anytime we would read an old English play in class and those comedic characters showed up, I would think of this song. Characters like Lancelet from "The Merchant of Venice" and Sir Politic Would-Be from "Volpone" should always be accompanied by this song. Just think of any of the characters described as "clowns" in a Shakespeare play and this song works for them:
"Monsters 2" is a great game, by the by. Kind of a knock-off of Pokemon, with the two different game packs ("Cobi's Journey" and Tara's Adventure"), but fun and unique in its own way. The first "Monsters" was just a single game and was fun, too. Not just for kids.
I saw "Observe and Report" last night and I honestly thought it was funny as hell. There are several reviewers who don't agree with me but I think it's because most of the people reviewing this movie are not apart of the target audience. I'll agree that this film has several vulgar, inappropriate moments and a gratuitous use of the F-bomb (gratuitous may be too weak of a word in this case), but I believe it's fair to compare it to "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters." Let me explain. When "Aqua Teen" hit theaters, I saw it with my friends and loved it. My friends and I are fans of the show and we got all of the jokes in the film. The next morning, when Jeffrey Lyons and Alison Bailes reviewed it on their show "Reel Talk," they ripped it apart because they thought it wasn't funny. Of course they thought it wasn't funny! Neither one of them had ever seen the show so they obviously didn't get the movie. How is this similar to "Observe?" Lyons and Bailes weren't apart of the demographic "Aqua Teen" was aimed at and they aren't apart of the demographic "Observe" is aimed at. Actually, they hated "Observe," with Bailes calling it "not a comedy" and Lyons saying it's "mean-spirited" and "never funny." This film is so apparently aimed at teenagers and at twenty-somethings, not at middle-aged film critics. Another problem with the critics is how they all typecast Seth Rogen. On "Reel Talk," Lyons continuously states that this beardless Rogen is not funny and "is a different kind of actor." I was quite relieved to see a Rogen part that wasn't a stoner. We've seen enough of that. It's shameful to typecast actors but this particular instance angers me because when "Fred Claus" (a movie I thoroughly enjoyed) came out, Bailes stated that she was unhappy with Vince Vaughn's performance and he would have been better off in a raunchier role. Lyons proceeded to tell her she was typecasting him and that "we don't need another 'Bad Santa.'" Now, Lyons is typecasting Rogen and no one says a word to deny him. They do state that it's good for him to try to expand his choice in roles, but simply mentioning this unnecessary observance is uncalled for. My final qualm about the reviews also stems from "Reel Talk." Lyons mentions his disgust about seeing the flasher and believed it was unnecessary to show him. In the case of nudity, there is only one scene in which a topless woman is shown. The rest of the nudity is full-frontal manhood. It's about time films had equal opportunity nudity. In other words, if a naked person needs to be shown, show a naked person of the opposite sex later in the movie. Bailes mentions "seeing the flasher naked" is "the only funny part of the film" and I halfway agree: it was definitely funny, but not the only funny part of the film. I don't wish to write a long review of this film in the same way I did for "Watchmen," but I will justify my accusations. This film is not for everybody and I can guarantee that everyone will be offended by something in it. However, I think a line from MSN's review of the film sums it up very well: "It's a strong, strange comedy that goes for the funny bone and the jugular." It is violent at some points and, as stated before, profanity-laden to the extreme, so, like "Watchmen," it's not for the kiddies. But, if you can tolerate all of that and find the humor both in the suggestive material and past it (yes, if examined deep enough, there IS a humorous, underlaid meaning), you will enjoy this movie. Rogen's character is both likeable and loathable at the same time and his cringe-worthy comments serve only to make him seem more realistic. That's the main problem with all of these critics' reviews: they all mulled over the language, offended by it to the extreme. I have said the same thing for years now every time a critic cries over profanity: THAT'S HOW PEOPLE TALK. And, in the case of this movie and its motley crew cast of characters (Anna Faris' bimbo, Ray Liotta's exasperated detective, Celia Weston's drunk mother), that's how people act. At times, Rogen does come across as mean-spirited, but we would all be lying if we said that we never knew anyone in our lives that was like that. This film manages to take the gross-out comedy genre and give it characters that make the audience laugh with their over-exaggerated depictions of real life and real people, while also creating such an extreme of absurdity that saves it from being a social commentary (I loved this movie, but I would never be foolish enough to call it that). It's not wrong to root for Rogen, even if you feel dirty at times for doing so. That's the point. On a final note, the audience I was surrounded with last night consisted almost completely of the target demographic. And do you know what they were doing the whole movie? Laughing. Laughing, laughing, laughing. The critics' reviews will not dictate the success of this movie. It will be all of the young people who saw its opening and then go and recommend it to their young friends because it's funny, it's raunchy, and it makes you forget the world for an hour and a half, just as a movie should. Here is the full review from MSN: http://movies.msn.com/movies/movie-critic-reviews/observe-and-report/#Review_0 And I used to have the Reel Talk review on here, but since the show has been cancelled, the review has disappeared from the internet. You can just take my word for it, right?
My four-day weekend starts tomorrow so I'm looking forward to lounging and celebrating Easter with chocolate and num-num fancy dinner. I found that dreaded beetle crawling up the stairs, coming after me. What I love is how my cat was resting right next to it, like it was her Buddy (♪My Buddy, My Buddy, he's a creepy beetle and he wants to kill my owner! My Buddy and Me!♪). Hey, do your friggin' job and kill it! I ended up throwing shoes at it and maneuvering around it to reach the vacuum. I know how this sounds and what you're thinking about me and you're wrong. That thing was HUGE! I could just imagine that thing sitting in my closet and sharpening a knife on its boot, waiting for me to come back: ......no picture? Oh, okay. Well, you can picture it in your mind. Well, so now the basement is safe. I was playing "Symphony of the Night" before I caught that thing, though, because no one is stopping me from playing with Alucard: NOBODY! Except maybe those undead brutes in the Colosseum...they slashed up my poor vampire until he exploded into a cloud of blood. Sigh...I need to be more careful. So, that's the most recent saga of my life: bug huntin' and fightin' the undead. I think that looks like this: That's how Spanky REALLY bug hunts...with a muthertruckin' sword. On a side-note, I've been reading the play "Volpone" by Ben Jonson in class and I realized that British humor really hasn't changed that much over the years (the play is from 1606). It's a lot of banter that you really have to listen to to get. I'd provide an example from the play but you're better off just reading it yourself. Check out this poster I found for an old performance of it: Just awesome.
Floundering in my low spirits for the past few weeks, I've been trying to keep myself amused by reading humor articles and watching YouTube videos. One of my favorite sites (www.adultswim.com) provides several links to www.cracked.com for various hilarities, often lists of things. One list I found while searching the site featured this priceless picture: The provided caption: "This is what happens when 'Batman' is written by Liberace. Also, Robin can call it red all he wants, but according to our Crayola box set, Batman's costume is actually pretty-princess-pink." This was only the first entry in "The 20 Most Ridiculous Batman Comics Ever Released," which is here: http://www.cracked.com/article_16870_20-most-ridiculous-batman-comics-ever-released.html That list is fairly amusing, but the best one I've found on Cracked is this one: http://www.cracked.com/article_16990_lost-in-translation-20-baffling-foreign-movie-posters.html I can't describe it without giving away the funny parts (it must be a surprise), but I can say that it's pretty funny as hell. As for the video portion of this episode, I've been finding humor in the YouTube stylings of the Angry Video Game Nerd. He's not the most eloquent fellow in the world but I can appreciate what he does. It's his job to play very bad games for the NES, SNES, Genesis, and Atari (and, soon, the N64) and review them...with very much cursing involved. I've never played a lot of the games he reviews (the older games I do play are the good ones he ignores) but that doesn't make his reviews any less funny for me and that should be the same for any gamer. As long as you like video games (you don't even have to play them regularly), you'll appreciate this guy. This video is my favorite one, featuring a review of a game accessory (the Power Glove from Nintendo). The Nerd tests it on several NES games and, needless to say, it does NOT go well (WARNING! EXCESSIVE CURSING AHEAD!):
The hilarious "Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest" and "Top Gun" jokes will be funny to anyone who has played those games before, but for those who haven't and/or don't know what they are, here's the Nerd's review of them to help clarify some things (WARNING STILL IN EFFECT!):
Trust me, all of the videos this guy makes are great, so you should check out his YouTube channel if you liked these. It doesn't matter if you've never heard of the games he reviews. He'll make you regret learning about them and never want to play them. Oh, joy of joys. PS: Losing to Glass Joe is quite a calamity: As Cracked put it: "Look at him, it's like he thinks there's a guy out in the audience with a rifle on him." (For the fantastic list that came from, follow this link): http://www.cracked.com/article_15696_10-most-irritatingly-impossible-old-school-video-games.html
Still sick...I was just playing "Symphony of the Night" in my basement, minding my own business, when I saw this dark object on the side of my folding closet door. I thought perhaps it was the door hinge and ignored it. Some minutes later, I caught sight of it again...on the surface of the door...frightened, I clicked my lamp on and spied its true from: a rather large, beetle-like insect (I'd find and provide a picture, but that'll just sceeve everyone out). I stared at it, unsure of what to do. It froze, then crawled across my door some more...gently rapping, rapping on my closet door. I first tried to vacuum it up with a hand vac, but the suction wasn't strong enough (!!), so I grabbed a game box, determined to smash it. It slunk between the door and the above jam, so I seized the knob, slid it open, and thrust it shut over and over until I heard a buzz: "Nevermore." It tumbled down and I shrieked, hopping back. I stood still for a moment, then put a box in front of the bottom door jam, adding footstools in front of that. I played on, for I wasn't going to let that beast stop my fun, and after an untimely death, I turned the game off and went upstairs. It lives in my closet now...waiting for my return...okay, that was a bit dramatic, I'll admit. But it was fun to write. I love Poe...but, seriously, that thing is down there waiting for me and I'm afraid to confront it. It's HUMONGOUS. My blockade won't stop its pursuit. Perhaps I'll go back down there and finish it off...I'll need to get in my closet eventually. Sigh...I'll end with this video that's really only a song accompanied by a picture:
It's the song heard in Master Librarian's chamber and my favorite song from "Symphony." Despite the video showing a picture of the album cover, this song (of course) isn't included on the soundtrack, for whatever reason. It makes me think of a crowded street in Medieval Europe, like in England or something, and there's one suspicious person slinking around the people. I just finished reading "The Merchant of Venice," so maybe that's why. I must be thinking of Shylock, since this song sounds very Middle Eastern and he's the Jew. I'm being very creative today...
Nothing really interesting on this end. I have been struck with a terrible illness and I pray that the cause is only allergies from the intense wind and not a virus. I've been playing "Castlevania" lately and I desperately wanted to play today but I didn't want to sit in my basement...in the cold...and the dark...very fitting for a "Castlevania" game but not for my condition. I just bought a used copy of "Lament of Innocence" for ten dollars and it's a lot of fun. Hot whip-on-demon action. It's funny how I play because I know there's a bunch of combos to perform but I'm kind a of button-masher so Leon just ends up flailing. Speaking of Leon... Good God, Kojima Ayami is a goddess of an artist. Her androgynous illustrations of the "Castlevania" cast are like the music of Yamane Michiru: they define the series (interesting, both women. Dracula loves his ladies). Anyway, it's a great game. It's dark as hell (both figuratively and literally) and it leaves a great unsettled feeling in the pit of the stomach during and after playing. Highly recommended to fans of "Castlevania" and fun games. I've also been playing "Symphony of the Night," which I've had for a while. There's not much I can say about it that hasn't been said already. It's a classic for a reason, folks. Well, two reasons: it's fun and... Come on , now. Alucard is every game gal's fantasy boyfriend. Alucard and papa Dracula are the best vampires ever. They would destroy all of those "Twilight" wannabees. Well, I have nothing left to say, so here's some eye candy of Leon: And Alucard: and, of course, the big boy himself, Dracula:
ACTIVIA..... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T EAT THIS! I went to get lunch in between classes and there weren't any good sandwiches so I had to buy something else. Now, if all they have is yogurt, I'm down with that. I love yogurt. And this one was peach. I love peach yogurt. BUT...it was Activia peach yogurt. I was scared to eat it because I've never had Activia before and I was afraid of what it would do to my system. But, dagnabbit, I wanted peach yogurt...so I bought it...went through my day...okay, stop. You know those SNL sketches with Kristen Wiig playing Jamie Lee Curtis in the Activia commercials and she keeps BMing in her pants?
THOSE ARE TRUE! I have been SO sick ever since I got home. And I'm not even her age! I'm not even close to her age! I don't have digestive problems so why did I eat that? Aw, hell, NOW I DO! At least tonight I do. Why did I eat that...no, better question, why would something that's supposed to regulate you destroy you? I'm never eating that again...sorry, major TMI moment but I'm sorry, it had to be said. IT HAD TO BE! RUN AWAY FROM ACTIVIA! DON'T EAT IT!
Oh, dear God, where do I begin? It became extremely apparent to me as I watched "Watchmen" that I should've read the book to understand this movie. However, I decided not to read it before seeing this (despite having a feeling months ago that it was a good idea to do so) because I wanted to come into the movie completely ignorant. I was there to be entertained and a good adaptation entertains the audience without requiring it to read the source material. I was hoping "Watchmen" would be like that.
Boy, was I wrong.
I can't sit here and critique the changes in the story because I DID NOT READ THE BOOK. I can, however, critique the movie based on my definition of an adaptation. For the first hour or so, I knew pretty much what was going on. Less than an hour later, I was completely lost. What happened to completely lose me, you ask? I couldn't tell you. There were several little things that were never explained (What's wrong with Moloch's ears? Where did that cat come from that follows Ozymandias around? Why does Nixon have a penis-nose?) and even more major events and climactic changes that made NO sense in general. The movie began with a constant flip between present (1985) and past (1940s-1950s, Vietnam War), introducing all the characters and showing the influence on everyone's lives of The Comedian (charmingly played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan), whose murder kick-starts the film. This was easy to follow and understand and it set up a compelling mystery that I wanted to watch unfold. It was interesting and entertaining.
It wasn't until after the story of Dr. Manhattan (played in a sort of strained manner by Billy Crudup) is revealed that things get really confusing. The mystery of who killed The Comedian becomes more fragmented and the film seems to lose track of itself, introducing more and more convoluted theories pertaining to nuclear war and the future. The film becomes a chore to watch as piecing it together becomes harder and harder. By the time it ends, there are still so many questions left unanswered. Because of this, the ending seems inconceivable because it's too hard to logically get to it based on what was presented as "reason" to the audience. I spoke to my friend who read the comic and she said that the movie ending was different from the comic ending and it was unsatisfying. To me, a Watchmen virgin, I just thought it was unsatisfying and nonsensical.
This movie was not a complete failure, though. The special effects are INCREDIBLE, but this is to be expected because of all the hype heaped on this film. The most visibly interesting moments are the scenes with Dr. Manhattan (especially his back story) and the ever-changing image on the mask of Rorschach (played by a stunning Jackie Earle Haley). The fight scenes are fun to watch, incorporating slow motion, zoom-ins, and more gore than a Resident Evil game (if I may digress for a moment, I must mention just how VIOLENT this movie was. This is NOT for the kiddies, and I actually had some children sitting in front of me the whole time. Between the violence and the inevitable sex scenes, I was not confident those children would sleep well later that night).
The effects didn't save this movie for me, however, because I was expecting them to be good. It was the performances of Morgan and Haley that kept me watching. The Comedian was more prominent in the first hour, but he was the best part of that hour. Every scene he was in was irresistibly raunchy, cringe-worthy, and just plain awesome. He was the character one loved to hate and hated to love, and I personally hated how his death was what started the movie. He should've been alive during the film so he could be shown more because he stole the first half of the movie.
The second half of the movie was all Rorschach's. What an incredible performance. He was, by far, my favorite character (my friend told me everyone's favorite character is Rorschach). There is so much I could say about him but I would spoil the story if I did. In short, he is the show-stealer, being interesting while The Comedian is stealing scenes and remaining incredible after The Comedian ceases to be shown. The Comedian may be the man to watch in the beginning, but Rorschach is the man to pay attention to in the whole movie.
All-in-all, I can't hate this movie. I understand that it was obviously not for people like me, who didn't read the book, and I'm disappointed by this. A good adaptation is one that anyone can understand. "Watchmen" was supposed to be the magnum opus of the comic book movie genre, but I believe it falls short of "The Dark Knight," a far superior movie that is accessible to EVERYONE, from hardcore Batman fans to people who've never even heard of the batty vigilante. The story is way too convoluted for a Watchmen virgin to understand, but the stellar performances by Morgan and Haley, along with the special effects, save this movie from being a complete failure. Think of it this way: Terry Gilliam was originally set to direct a "Watchmen" film once in 1989, then in 1996, but read the book and said it was impossible to get everything into a two-hour movie. If Terry Gilliam won't touch it, it MUST be complicated. Watchmen virgins, be warned: if you want to understand, read the book first.
But that's beside the point. Rummaging around Adult Swim's website is fun. It truly is the place "where spare time goes to die" (my other favorite Adult Swim slogan: "Powered by clown tears"). I stumbled upon the link to this website: http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/ and found this: This in not why you're fat. This is why you're DEAD. I can't believe that's available in a store! For actual purchase! That can't be real...are they really trying to KILL people? One thousand one hundred seventy percent of the average daily cholesterol value? Jesus, what are pigs THINKING? Death thoughts? "Oh, they're gonna slaughter me so I better think about human holocaust or something so I can get my posthumous revenge." Thus comes the cholesterol that KILLS INSTANTLY. Or, maybe the pigs simply think about suicide all the time, like this:
That's a risk of death. So is eating those pork brains...more so a certainty of death, actually, with the pork brains. Still... Demetri Martin is a good 35.
Is my favorite game right now. I feel like I'm actually doing something while playing a video game. I'm seriously out of breath after playing it. It's amazing. It's awesome because there's such a variety of activities one can play, all falling into four categories: yoga, strength exercises, aerobics, and balance games. Most exercises use the Wii Balance Board, which is hard, stable, and useable on both hard floors and carpets. The yoga is, of course, crazy poses, while the strength exercises range from push ups to planks to jack knives. Some exercises only use the Wii Remote to train the arms and measure full body movements. Occasionally, the game will suggest combining a strength exercise with a yoga pose. Aerobics include Hula Hooping, stepping on and off the Balance Board to a rhythm, rhythm boxing, and running in place (in which the Board is pushed to the side and the Remote is placed in a pocket to gauge running quality). Finally, the balance games include heading soccer balls, skiing, catching fish in a penguin suit (one of my faves), and meditating (stay seated on the Board perfectly still and don't let the candle flame move, or else...), all fun motion games that not only help coordination, but can be just as invigorating as the aerobics. In short, all the activities get the blood pumping. I think anyone who owns a Wii should own Wii Fit because the Wii is all about getting off of that couch and moving the body. Considering the existence of Wii Sports (which usually comes bundled with the system), Nintendo obviously had movement in mind when it created the Wii. Personally, I don't like working out around people. A public gym is a public hell. So, I play Wii Fit to stay in shape in the privacy of my own home. Plus, it's cold where I live and I don't want to go out there. If you don't have the chance to get to a gym or a health center and you have a Wii, get Wii Fit. Even in this economy, ninety bucks isn't too much to pay for fitness that lasts. In no time, you'll be moving like this: beck e-pro
Well, maybe not like that...but I could totally see that as a Wii game. I could not, however, see this as one: What IS that on his nose?! Creepy. So, I guess I'll leave you with the song from the Wii Fit commercial:
The Rules of Tools are the following: 1) Date girls who are "ugly" and/or have very little to no self esteem so they won't cheat on us and we can cheat on them without them leaving us. (that's why we have shows like this): and 2): Ladies, don't settle for a tool because you're desperate for a relationship. And don't put yourself out there like this: Speaking of tools, True Hollywood Story: Bret Michaels is on Friday Night on E! so be there or be square! I'm assuming this is his sans-plastic surgery look.
Would I have ever thunk I'd be writing one of these. Out of sheer boredom, here I am, ready to share my boredom with the small percentage of the world that will stumble upon my humble wares. I'll do my best to update this little diddy when something relatively interesting introduces itself to my life (and I accept it, of course). For now, a sample of what to expect:
